In the words of Tevin Campbell “Can we talk for a minute?”
Most of us know the standards for clear communication; active listening, paraphrasing or summarizing, and validation. We understand this to be the pathway to a healthy relationship. What is also true is that we can reflexively engage in communication that leaves everyone feeling unseen and unheard. That reflexive engagement is born from years of repeatedly feeling like what you’ve said doesn’t matter, is dismissed, or the like. It becomes the unconscious material that informs reactions and responses. That feeling of being unseen and unheard also unconsciously informs non verbal communication. The body will say what the conscious mind won’t. I recall often being asked “why are you mad?” I was never mad. As I became intentionally aware of what my face was doing, I found it hard not to frown. Trying to smile or relax my face felt like my eyebrows and mouth were playing jump rope and couldn’t figure out if it was double dutch. I realized I’d gotten used to having to prove my innocence or point and was unconsciously ready to argue.
Being aware of how you feel before engaging in any conversation is deeply helpful. That awareness is inclusive of thoughts and body sensations. These non verbal pathways impact the tone, rhythm, and cadence of the voice, in addition to word choice. All of this impacts emotional safety; if the communication doesn’t feel safe, defense mechanisms like aggression, retreat, or dissociation are the natural reactions. By being aware of how you feel before and during a conversation, you are better able to validate yourself and choose whether or not to engage.
This month, we will explore the fabric of communication beginning with self reflection. Now, don’t check out because of the buzz word. The purpose of self reflection is to give you the opportunity to validate the experiences that created the emotional foundation of your communication style. As you become more aware of your thoughts and body responses, you give yourself the opportunity to decide if your current communication style is in alignment with this version of yourself or the person you’re becoming.
